Thursday, 17 May 2012

Dear Diabetes...

Dear Diabetes,
I have read recently that I should give you a name but nothing seems to fit. By naming you it would be almost an acceptance of the relationship we have. You are by far the most demanding relationship I could ever imagine; when else does someone form a relationship that they never get a break from?! Work colleagues spend their working hours together but then go home separately, we go home together. Brothers and sisters grow up together but even twins eventually gain their independence and lead individual lives, we’re always together. Mother and child are separated even if it s only at bedtime, we’re not. Not even a husband and wife spend twenty=four hours of every day together, we do! Not even the dog gets as much attention as you! 

For the last 27 years and three months you have free loaded inside me. You get more attention than anyone else in y life, you are involved in the thought process of every decision I make. I’d like you to understand that some days the blood testing and the carb counting are a pain. They consume precious hours that I could spend doing anything else. The  endless attention you require for working out insulin and injection sites has been testing at times but I think that battle I may have won when my pump was fitted and you started to allow me to control you more. The cannula change can be difficult but it’s a necessary evil to get on with life so I put up with it. Whilst I’m considering wasted hours why do you react so differently to different types of food? It’s very strange.
You have successfully made sure that in my 28 years and five months of life I have never truly owned that ‘little black bag’ more a handbag big enough for a brick to get everything in. Even nights out are a quandary of what to drink so you don’t get upset. Oh and dresses, how am I supposed to wear a dress when you need to be drip fed with insulin 24hours a day? My pump needs somewhere to sit! On the rare occasion that I do mange a dress and the pump sits somewhere normally in a view it’s a barrage of questions about what it is, people think it’s a pager!!

Let’s think holidays to. Do you know how difficult it is to get into an airport with all the stuff you need? People with small children take less extra baggage than us. I’m also sure that airport security dogs are specially trained to sniff you out!
Also when I’m sick what makes you think you have the right to go bouncing around so that the situation is worse?!  Do you not draw enough attention to us without trying to develop yourself some mates in the form of ketones and glucose? They are NOT our friends.

ALSO a general hypo makes us do irrational things!! Want to try and control that a bit? I mean come on my brother and sister would have a right old laugh telling people the stupid things I might have done! That’s all you that, I’m taking no responsibility for any of it.
When I’m out and about all your requirements draw unwanted attention which I tend to fend off happily as my friend said recently, its better if people know and aren’t afraid of diabetes. To that extent I let the children of family and friends press buttons and get to know my pump, they won’t be afraid of you! But sometimes, just sometimes, people are nasty about you. This hurts me because you’re part of me and for that reason I won’t let anyone pick on you.  

I’m not sure that I ever remember life without you which seems strange but maybe that’s for the best. You’ve become part of me that I try to look upon as a positive quality. We’ve fought like brother and sister from time to time each winning small battles but never the war. I remember vividly the feeling of coming to in hospital after you caused me to fit, bright white lights or not I wasn’t ready to give in to you that easily. For a long time I felt like you were in control and I didn’t know how to cope with that but you now know that Max arrived. As second in command he could sniff a hypo from a fair distance away and better still (for me) could provide lucozade and digestives when needed! He became my best friend and your worst enemy maybe.
But even with you I feel like I’ve experienced life to the full you see my dad almost refuses to acknowledge you, He doesn’t think you should stop me from doing anything and I tend to agree! So together we’ve visited foreign countries (and a couple of strange hospitals), I’ve done nights out and parties and drinks and enjoyed it all. I’ve canoed on Coniston Lake and when you’d had enough eaten hot dogs in the rain to keep you under control. Even if we had to fight the swans off. 

I’ve taken to the air in a wind tunnel to see how good a sky dive would be, not sure you knew whether to push the bloods up or down for that one! Maybe you were in shock. I’ve walked miles, played football and broken bones and you’ve been there every step of the way.
I feel like when we meet new people I introduce you as I would my husband because we’ve been together longer than Kevin and I. Kevin is very good with you, he understands you and thinks about how decisions are going to make you feel. You see he already knew about you before we even met. Kevin took lessons from the best in the business as my mum has known how to control you for years and never lets you defeat her. Some days we wouldn’t make it together if it wasn’t for Cath.

When I started shopping for wedding dresses I thought maybe you’d be a problem, where would the pump sit? Would you behave yourself? You are like a small child some days! But the dress arrived, it was huge and gorgeous and like nothing I’d ever imagined. My pump was given its own special living quarters for the day in a specially made pouch on the inside of the dress; no one would have even guessed it was there! Better still my pump is still a lovely blue one so my something blue was attached to me. You behaved almost all day and to be fair maybe I should have fed you more often, sorry!
We have done so much together over the years that I sometimes forget momentarily that you are here. We’ve managed exams together, careers together, marriage and a hundred and one other things. So you see what I am saying is yes you have invaded me and decided to become a squatter but that’s ok. You make me unique is a special way as you are something I share with a special person from my family, my granddad. He would want me to win the war but for now I’m happy winning the odd battle. I have noticed in the past few years you take great pleasure in trying to stop other bits of me working but I know you are only doing what you are programmed to.  I’ll keep putting up with it.

I know that you will be with me forever and that’s ok but now that max has gone I feel you should know that I have recruited a new weapon in Jasper and I’m sure he will prove just as good at sniffing you out. I want you to know that I intend to enjoy life and no matter what it throws at us we will deal with it together. We’ve got an amazing family and some exceptionally good friends and all though we often react badly to stress we need to stay calm and focus on the future! Whatever our next step might be we doing a good job at the moment of working towards better control even though it’s taking it out of me. There is so much more I could say to you but I think I’ve said enough for now. You’ll never stop me from doing anything really so I’m pretty much inviting you at this point to buckle in and enjoy the ride.
See you in a bit for a BM,


PS – Please try and behave until our next HbA1c check =)

1 comment:

  1. What an amazing amazing post! Great writing, you really hit home! I couldn't have said it better! Diabetes really shapes who we are. I think most of us with diabetes talk more to our diabetes then we do to anyone else!